Never
by Nausicaa Smith
Summary: The Vizard host a party at their warehouse after Aizen's defeat. Updated to fix corrupted formatting.
1. Chapter 1

It was too dark to see properly in here. The music was loud enough to vibrate in his chest and make his head pound. The air was filled with various forms of smoke and the stink of a dozen kinds of liquor. There were people everywhere, dancing, singing, yelling, drinking. The food was cheap, the sake was bad. Yachiru had convinced all the Vizard to call him "Princess."

Byakuya really hated it.

* * *

In a back room Shinji had set up a round card table and chairs.

"Here's the rules." he said, setting out shot glasses and bottles. "We go in a circle. When it's your turn, you say something you've never done before, like 'I've never driven a car' or 'I've never eaten beans' or 'I've never done anything inappropriate with a vegetable'. Anyone around the table who has done that thing takes a shot. When you feel you can take no more, count yourself out and go out and send someone else in in your place. Ready? Everyone's glasses full? Okay. I've never... worn a skirt."

Rangiku drained her shot, then refilled it. She was next up.

"I've never worn underwear."

Everyone but her took a drink. This was going to be a long game.

* * *

Renji. Loved. Tequila.

He never got to really drink around Seireitei because his captain had a habit of popping up in unexpected places, so this party was a special treat. He stood in a corner with Hinamori and Kira, passing around a bottle and enjoying the mayhem that was taking place on the warehouse floor, far below the landing where they stood. The music was loud, the smoke was thick, and Yoruichi was totally dancing with Soi Fon. What more could one ask for?

* * *

"I've never had a haircut."

* * *

"Do it!"

"No."

"Come on, just drink it!"

"I'm underage."

"Nobody cares, Kurosaki."

"Yeah, just drink it."

"Rukia! You know what would happen if my dad found out, don't you?"

"But he's not going to find out, and nobody here cares. Drink it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

* * *

"I've never been afraid of Unohana."

* * *

Ukitake knew that his lungs and Unohana were going to make him regret coming here, but he couldn't pass up a celebration after all that had happened. After he'd lost the Dynamic Duo in the crowd he indulged himself in a glass of rum and stood over the rails of the landing and watched the commotion on the floor below. Some people were trying—with varying degrees of success—to dance. Yachiru was doing an arm-flapping maneuver with Hanataro and Inoue Orihime had trapped Iba into some sort of twist thing.

Ukitake loved being the fly on the wall at these sorts of functions. He'd insisted Byakuya come too, saying that the whole party was off the record and that he could let his hair down. Nobody was going to remember it tomorrow anyway. He should at least attend, even if he didn't join in. The Vizard had been kind enough to invite everyone who could fit in the warehouse and promised they'd get everyone good and drunk; so far, they had kept their word.

* * *

"Yes you have."

* * *

"Just drink it."

"No."

"I mixed it up myself, it won't make you sick."

"No."

"Please, Captain? Just join us, loosen up a little!"

"Come on, Toshiro. They made me drink it, you don't get off scott free either."

"No."

"Look, I'll drink it too. See, it's not bad!"

"No."

* * *

"I've never lost my sword in my own apartment."

* * *

Yumichika, Ikkaku and Ishida sat at the top of the stairs. Ishida wasn't a drinker but he did take a small glass of brandy offered by Shinji, who was an excellent host.

"Man, we never get to do this stuff at home. I love real world parties." Yumichika had drunk half a bottle of some clear something that couldn't have been water, but it didn't seem to have affected him. Ikkaku on the other hand, was leaning against his shoulder, decidedly tipsy if not outright drunk.

"Most real world parties don't happen in warehouses, and nobody brings their swords."

"Oh. Well still, it beats the hell out of tea ceremony. Tea ceremony is quite beautiful, but not fun."

"Hey, what's Kenpachi doing over there?"

Renji plopped down on the stair behind them. "Looks like he's lost one of his bells."

* * *

"I've never tasted piss."

* * *

Having caught up with each other, Lisa and Nanao decided to open a bottle of champagne and toast the captain, who was across the floor, dancing badly with Unohana. They sat upon an upturned crate and observed.

Without warning, a cold liquid came raining down upon them from above. Soaked, Lisa looked up angrily to see a grinning face with orange hair leaning over the railing.

"Sorry!" Ichigo called. "Apparently Toshiro didn't want to drink it."

Lisa stood and pursued.

* * *

"I've never gotten lost in Rukongai."

* * *

"Oh there you are, Juushiro."

"Indeed, here I am, Shunsui."

"It looks like quite the excellent party, if I do say so."

"Yes, yes. It reminds me of the old days."

"Quite. It's been so long, and there are so few of us left who remember being young together."

"Well, it looks like this new generation has things under control."

"Well then, let us toast. To youth!"

"To memories."

* * *

"I've never broken a bone. Hey--OW!"

* * *

Rukia was dancing on a box with Hanataro. She was vaguely aware that her brother was probably watching her, but the few drinks she had had taken the edge off that particular worry. Rukia could outdrink Renji on a good day, and he was at least twice her weight. She wondered where Renji was for a moment, then decided it didn't really matter. Nobody could get out of Hachi's barrier except Orihime, and so long as he couldn't leave the warehouse he would be safe.

Ah, it was grand to not have any worries. No Hollows to slay tonight, somebody else was on duty. No executions to worry about, no Bounts, no Arrancars, no kidnapped friends, no more Aizen... life would be peaceful. Ichigo could go back to school and catch up on his classwork. Inoue could clean out her apartment and move back in. Rukia could go back home and take a new assignment. Everything would go back to... normal. She looked over at Hanataro, who was swaying to the blaring music and hugging an empty beer can.

Suddenly the world seemed a sad and lonely place to Kuchiki Rukia.

* * *

"I've never used kidou."

* * *

"Stop!"

"No! You're going to kill me!" Ichigo ran for his life from Lisa, who was chasing him across the dance floor, machete in hand, glasses flashing and skirts flying.

"You'll deserve it!" she screamed, shaking more hard lemonade out of her hair.

* * *

"I've never been drunk. Before now."

* * *

"Hello, my dear." said Shinji to the thin dark-haired girl who presented herself before him.

"Captain Ukitake thought I should introduce myself. Hinamori Momo, lieutenant of the 5th Division."

"Ah. Hirako Shinji, former captain of the 5th Division." Shinji held out a hand. "I suppose Aizen's betrayal hit you the hardest this time around. We are brethren, then! Have a drink, girl."

"Thank you." Hinamori took the glass he offered. "Captain Ukitake thinks you and I ought to be friends, but I'm not so good with people."

Shinji grinned a wide, unnerving grin at her.

"Well, Ukitake is a meddler, you just remember that. On the other hand, he's right. Since the Commander has welcomed us all back into Seireitei and back into the Protection Squads, I suppose we may be seeing each other. I made a mistake with Aizen, in that I never got to know him. That was how it was so easy for him to stay under my radar. So I think I'll do the opposite now, and get to know everyone well." He slung an arm around her shoulders. "It's good to know you, Miss Hinamori."

"You too, sir." Hinamori smiled back, unsure of how she felt but unafraid of it.

* * *

"I've never been swimming."

* * *

Byakuya watched from his perch by the stairs while Yadomaru chased Kurosaki across the warehouse floor and into one of the smaller rooms on the west side. She was pretty spry for someone who had supposedly been dead for over a hundred years. There was a bright flash of light from the doorway.

It was probably impossible that she could have killed him, but Byakuya could always dream.

* * *

"I've never had sex while swimming."

* * *

Shiba Kukaku had, at some point, lost her top. Perhaps in the strip poker game that was going on upstairs, perhaps on a dare. Perhaps it had finally just popped from the strain. It didn't really matter.

Chad had already decided that this was infinitely better than his friends' parties.

* * *

"I've never used a banana for practice."

* * *

Ichigo found Rukia on a bench out front, doubled over with her head between her knees. She didn't look like she was currently puking (like Hanataro was) so he walked up to her.

"You okay? I thought Renji told us you could drink." he sat next to her and touched her back.

"I'm fine." she murmured, and sat up. "Just a little cold is all."

"Oh." Ichigo didn't have a jacket to give her, but he put an arm around her instead. She resisted.

"Orihime might see."

"So?"

"So she likes you, and I don't want her to think..."

"I know she likes me, and she won't think anything. Besides, she's a sweet girl and a great friend and all, but I don't think she's my type."

Rukia looked at him in the waxing moonlight, and he thought he might drown in those blue eyes. _Agghh, get a grip! You've seen Rukia's eyes lots of times! It's just that damn lemonade! _Ichigo made himself keep talking, so that he'd be occupied with something other than looking at her.

"And anyway, she doesn't really like me. She likes who she thinks I am, and she doesn't really know me like you do. And Tatsuki would kick my ass if I went near her anyway."

Rukia just smiled at him, and leaned into his warmth.

* * *

"I've never pissed off the Kenpachi."

* * *

"There you are, Captain! What are you doing?"

Toshiro hated that sort of question.

"Obviously, Matsumoto, I am sitting here."

"Captain are you... _smoking_?"

Toshiro blew a puff of smoke in her face.

"No." he said.

* * *

"I've never been smiled at by Ichimaru Gin."

* * *

In Hiyori's bedroom a game of strip poker was being held. This was nothing new, as strip poker was one of the Vizard's standard pastimes. Out of Kensei, Hiyori, Yachiru, Nemu and Hisagi, Yachiru was the only one still fully dressed.

"And this hand goes to me, ladies and gentlemen!" she piped up, tossing down her cards. "Let's see another layer come off!"

Yachiru had the greatest poker face.

* * *

"I've never seen anybody naked, except myself."

* * *

When Orihime passed by the Thirteenth Division's lieutenants making out in a corner, it occured to her that someone ought to check on Captain Ukitake. Clearly Kiyone and Sentaro weren't watching him. She snagged Hanataro on her first round of the main floor and he stumbled along behind her in her search.

In one room she found a bunch of people sitting around a round table drinking shots. The Shinigami of the Round Table! In another, marinara wrestling. A few were empty, but one contained a game of strip poker which Yachiru was clearly dominating. One was a bathroom, where Mashiro sat in the full tub fully clothed.

"Are you okay?" Orihime asked.

"I'm fine. Just cleaning some puke off my suit!" she looked pretty cheerful about it, so Orihime went on her way.

* * *

"I've never had sex in a tree."

* * *

When Hiyori ventured out of the poker game in her underwear to get more booze, she was unsurprised to catch Mayuri and Kisuke deep in conversation about some scientific something or other over the kitchen table.

She kicked the 'fridge shut as hard as she could, and it exploded. Damn nerds.

* * *

"I've never been talked down to by Captain Kuchiki."

* * *

In cleaning up the debris from the south side of the warehouse for a wrestling match, Love and Rose found Yoruichi in human form, sleeping behind a crate and cuddled up to the Second Division's Captain, who was missing her haori and her hair ties.

They decided to leave them there.

* * *

"I've never had sex _at all_."

* * *

Orihime finally found Ukitake leaning over the railing with Shunsui, with Rukia sitting on it next to them. Her little feet were hooked in the bars so she didn't fall over, and she gripped the top of the rail between her legs, so nobody could see up her skirt from below. She was a clever girl.

Nanao and Lisa were sitting on the floor against the wall a few feet behind them with a bottle of champagne, looking somewhat haggard.

"Oh, there you are, Captain! We were looking for you." Orihime assured herself that he looked quite fine. Obviously, the Dynamic Duo had been ditched. Hanataro leaned over the rails next to Rukia.

"Is something wrong?" Ukitake asked kindly, a gentle smile directed at Hanataro, who was looking pretty green.

"Oh no," said Orihime, waving her hands about nervously. "We just passed by your lieutenants and realized they weren't with you."

"Oh. And where are they?"

Shunsui answered: "They are sucking face on that couch over there in the corner. See?" He pointed.

"Ah, I do see. Well, I suppose it's taken them long enough anyway."

There was a squeal and Rukia jumped away from the railing, just as Hanataro managed to vomit all down his kimono. Orihime sighed and went to toss him in the puke tub with Mashiro.

* * *

"I've never used whipped cream for anything other than sundaes."

* * *

Urahara broke up the strip poker before Hiyori lost her temper, dragging her downstairs to have a drink and dance with him. She kicked him in the face. Ah, just like the old days...

Unfortunately for Nemu, she had only been wearing a plain green one-piece dress, so once she'd lost once that was it. Nemu pulled it back over her head and went out in search of her captain, who might be kind enough to erase the past hour from her memory if she asked nicely and didn't look too inebriated.

Hisagi and Kensei went in the closet to put their clothes back on, only to be caught still in there and still half naked thirty minutes later by Isane.

Satisfied with her winnings, Yachiru hopped off to use them to bribe someone for either candy or alcohol. She was sure Ken-chan would be too messed up by now to notice if she had a sip of wine too.

* * *

"I've never nicked anything out of the 4th Division's drug storage."

* * *

"Psst. Hey, Captain." Matsumoto nudged him. Just when he'd found the most comfortable corner of carpet, too.

"What?" Toshiro snapped irritably, opening one eye and giving her what he hoped was a satisfactorily icy glare.

"Wake up. You're making it snow over here."

Oh, so he was.

* * *

"I've never used the sewer system for dishonorable purposes."

* * *

"What's going on in here?" Ichigo said as he stumbled into the smoky back room. A dozen or so weary Shinigami and Vizard sat around a round table full of shot glasses and half-empty bottles.

"We're playing I've Never." hiccuped Komamura.

"Oh?" said Ichigo, looking around again at the flushed faces. "Well, I've never died."


	2. Chapter 2

Shinji came to consciousness very slowly. Very, very slowly and very, very cautiously. His head ached, but he could remember worse hangovers. His mouth tasted like he'd been sucking on rotten eggs all night. His hair was wet, but after a second's panicked consideration he decided he didn't smell piss, so he relaxed. Opened his eyes. Very. Slowly. As his vision focused, he could make out a ceiling fan. This was either the kitchen or the bathroom. He went over his checklist before moving. Nothing was on fire, he didn't feel like he was bleeding, and he did seem to be wearing pants.

Excellent.

* * *

Rukia stumbled across the floor of the warehouse. Not because she was still drunk, which she was, but because there were so many people and so much trash in the way. She came to a clear box and sat on the edge, scanning the nearest people for signs of life. Chad was sitting quietly on a stool across from her box. He didn't look the slightest bit intoxicated or hungover.

"Did you have a wild night as well?" she asked conversationally.

"No. The best part of these parties is staying sober and watching those who drink make fools of themselves." He pointed. "Like those two."

Rukia turned her head to follow in the direction he indicated. Her own division's lieutenants were sprawled across a box, unconscious, wearing each others' clothes. Rukia had to admit, Sentaro didn't look bad in Kiyone's kimono. Too bad they hadn't worn their regular uniforms to the party, or it wouldn't have been noticeable.

* * *

Hanataro came to soaking wet in an empty bathtub, curled up with a green haired girl who was snoring softly. He closed his eyes and hoped his Captain wouldn't need to use this bathroom before he managed to get up.

* * *

Orihime was sitting at the kitchen table with her head down when she felt someone nudge her shoulder. She raised her head and looked around blearily, thankful that there were no lights on.

Hirako Shinji was standing unsteadily behind her, holding two cups of sake and offering her one.

"Nothing kills a hangover like getting drunk again." He said with an agonized grin. She took the cup with the best smile she could manage. It couldn't possibly make things worse at this point, right? Shinji took a sip from his own glass and grimaced painfully. "Ow—oh, shit. Shit!"

"What's wrong?" she croaked, taking a sip from her own glass. It tasted normal to her. Shinji, however, ran two fingers through his mouth, his bloodshot eyes widening.

"My tongue ring is missing."

* * *

Ishida, Ichigo and Nemu carefully helped themselves and each other down the main stairwell without any of them falling once. Ishida was more at himself than the others, so he led the way, with Ichigo clinging to the fabric of his blue shirt and Nemu close behind, gripping the railing. When they got to the bottom and turned into the main floor they almost ran into Shinji, who was in a panic. Inoue was behind him, straightening her skirts.

"Hirako has swallowed his tongue ring." She said. She had a cup of sake in her hand. To Ishida, that seemed the logical cure for all this fuzzy stumbling around they were doing. Sure, he knew it would only make things worse in the end. But at this point, who cared about the end?

"No, I think he took it out when he was making out with Sarugaki." Said Ichigo, and Ishida nodded in agreement.

Shinji turned white with horror and flew up the stairs three at a time. Ichigo rather hoped that Hiyori remembered as little as Shinji did.

* * *

Rose just couldn't stand a mess. After he showered, dressed, and combed out his hair, he went downstairs and started picking up the remnants of last night's party. He got all the glasses and cups in the dishwasher, and had tossed out three trash bags of cigarette butts, beer cans and paper plates. He recruited Kurosaki and a small dark-haired girl who was with him to sweep the floors. They did so carefully, cups of sake in one hand and brooms in the other. Several others had awakened as well and organized themselves, and it appeared Love was handing out more alcohol. Well, if the celebration was going to continue, at least it wouldn't be in such a mess.

* * *

Shinji raced up to Hiyori's room only to find she wasn't there. Kensei and a younger shinigami with a 69 tattooed on his face were asleep in the floor though, covered with a plastic Twister mat. If they were lucky, at least one of them would wake up before Lisa found them.

He found Hiyori in his own room, wearing only a purple t-shirt and panties, asleep on the foot of his bed. He shut the door behind him, and walked up a little closer. She was so much cuter when she was asleep and not screaming at anyone. His tongue ring was sitting innocently on the nightstand. He picked it up and snapped it in with one hand,then looked back at Hiyori. Had he really made out with her? On the one hand, he hadn't had any action in a long time. On the other, it was Hiyori, and that was fucking dangerous. Either way, he hoped she didn't remember any more than he did.

Shinji tossed a spare blanket over her and laid down on the bed next to her. Perhaps a couple hours sleep would settle his nerves, and then he could get up and have breakfast. Hiyori curled up to his side with a soft mumble, but he was too afraid to move away lest he wake her.

Outside, somebody turned the music back on.

* * *

When the music woke him, Byakuya got up from the couch where he'd been dozing with Ukitake and Shunsui and walked out onto the main warehouse floor. From the sunlight flooding through the windows, he guessed it was around noon. Someone had been cleaning up the mess, and there were a few people sitting around with bottles and cups on the mass of boxes. It looked like the chaos was about to start over. Byakuya had just made up his mind to leave when he walked around a corner to find his sister dancing with a broom. Well. He couldn't exactly take her back to Seireitei like that.

* * *

Renji was lying on a bench somewhere with a lot of smoke. Hinamori was sprawled across him, sleeping soundly. Renji looked down at her face quietly; she was a little flushed, but she looked pretty much ok and as cute as she ever was.

The dark haired Vizard girl with the glasses wandered by and took a few snapshots of them with a very small camera, then stuck it in her pocket and went on her way. Renji frowned. They were both fully clothed, right? Yes, they were. No harm, no foul.

But what would happen if Hitsugaya walked by? Renji started to sweat.

* * *

Rangiku checked that all her clothes were in their proper place and crawled out from underneath the table, using the chair legs and backs for balance. Kyoraku and Ukitake were asleep together on a couch nearby, Ukitake's head resting in Kyoraku's lap. Komamura was sprawled out on the floor, covered in something red and sticky looking that was too thick to be blood. _It's going to be a bitch getting that out of his fur._ On the other side of the room was a wide, shallow plastic tub filled with that same red mushy stuff that he was covered in. Rangiku knew she should just walk away from it, but curiosity got the best of her as always, and she knelt down next to the little pool, brow furrowed.

It was marinara sauce.

* * *

Hangovers were not beautiful, but the sight of Ikkaku on his hands and knees and vomiting into a shower stall was absolutely priceless. He let his forehead fall to land in the puddle of puke that was slowly swirling down the drain, and pulled his knees up underneath him in a child's pose.

Yumichika splashed some water on his own face from the sink, then turned the shower on to cool off Ikkaku's head. He muttered something incoherent and vile at Yumichika, but either couldn't or wouldn't move from where he was. Well, that was his own problem. People should know how much liquor they can hold, just as they should know their limits on the battle field. As often as Ikkaku drank sake with Iba when they were supposed to be training, one would think he of all people would not have this sort of problem. Perhaps this would be a good lesson for him.

Yumichika examined himself in the mirror. He combed his fingers through his glossy hair, straightened his feathers. His face and clothes were clean and dry. He was certainly in better shape than most everybody else here, and that was a beautiful thing.

* * *

Rukia's chin was bleeding. A lot. Ichigo wasn't sure what had happened, but he thought it had something to do with a bookcase and a tube of wasabi. She walked straight toward him, eyes as clear and steps as sure as if she hadn't had a drop of alcohol. She was shouting something at him, but he couldn't hear her over the music, so he took her by her free hand (the other one was gripping a bottle of cheap whiskey) and dragged her off to find a first-aid kit before Byakuya saw.

* * *

Lisa wandered upstairs with her camera to find Nanao and a white haired boy (wasn't he the 10th captain?) asleep against the railings outside the nearest bathroom. They both looked quite a bit younger with their hair in disarray and their grumpy faces off. Click. Inside the bathroom, Mashiro and a dark haired boy were asleep in the bathtub. Click.

Downstairs in the kitchen, the girl with the hairclips was trying to offer Soi Fon a glass of water. Soi Fon merely banged her head on the table in despair and shame. Click. Yoruichi in cat form was sitting calmly on the counter, lapping daintily at a small bowl of gin. Click, click.

* * *

They never found a first aid kit, but they did find Ishida in a game of Twister with Nemu, Love and Yachiru, and he agreed to step out and sew Rukia up.

Ichigo was as impressed as ever when Ishida pulled from nowhere that little sewing kit that somehow held so much _stuff_ in it. (Seriously, where did he keep it?) Ishida instructed Ichigo to restrain Rukia, so he sat on the floor and yanked her down across his lap. Hmmm. She looked somewhat skeptical, but he locked her arms behind her and wrapped one of his own around her neck in a loose headlock.

They watched quietly while Ishida sterilized his sharpest needle and a length of black silk thread by pouring half a bottle of vodka he'd found on the floor over them. He poured some on his hands as well, and wiped some across Rukia's chin for good measure. Then he knelt down in front of them and instructed Ichigo to hold her a little tighter.

"Is the headlock really necessary?" she asked. Ishida tipped her head back onto Ichigo's shoulder and inspected the cut with a frown. Her little wrists twisted experimentally in his hand, and she pressed back against his chest as Ishida's face got closer to hers. They both smelled of booze.

"Well, I don't have anything for pain, and it's going to hurt quite a bit." Ishida said, pressing the cut closed with two fingers. Ichigo's own bottom lip twinged when he saw the needle glint cheerfully in the bright afternoon sunlight pouring in from the windows; that looked... sharp. Ichigo wondered if this may be a bad idea since they were all so messed up.

"Yeah," he added, to cover his own nervousness. "Can't have you jerking away and tearing the stitches out when it smarts, right?"

"It's ok." she told them frankly. "I can take it like a man."

* * *

Shinji and Hiyori were asleep together in Shinji's bed, tangled up in spare covers. Click. Hiyori wasn't wearing pants, and her fingers were closed tightly on Shinji's checkered tie. Click, click. And her hair had come down. Flash.

Shinji opened his eyes briefly, but couldn't move without waking Hiyori, which would be disastrous.

"I hate you so much." he mouthed soundlessly at Lisa.

"I know." she replied just as soundlessly, and shut the door behind her with a grin of satisfaction.

* * *

"Princess is going to be really mad about your face." Renji observed, leaning down over Rukia. Ishida had made six neat stitches across the cut, which was still bleeding a little. Renji had found them and the Twister game in his search for his captain, who was nowhere to be found. Somehow finding Rukia imprisoned across Ichigo's lap hadn't really surprised him.

"I'm not scared of Princess." she replied, and used his sleeve as leverage to climb off of Ichigo. "He can't protect me from everything, can he? He couldn't protect me from Espada Nine. He can't protect me from myself. And he can't protect me from wasabi." She nodded to herself as if this were one of the deepest truths of the universe, and took another drink of whiskey.

* * *

Lisa passed by a giant of a man wearing the haori of the 11th Division's captain. He was crouching under a table with a stuffed lion, looking a little shell-shocked.

Click.

* * *

Hinamori found a group of Vizard and Shinigami in the back room, again around the round table with shot glasses and bottles set up.

"We're carrying on." Kyoraku told her. "Rose sent someone out for more alcohol, so have a seat."

Ukitake was next to him, looking somewhat weary but cheerful all the same. Hinamori wondered briefly where his lieutenants were, but she suspected he'd ditched them. She couldn't really blame him; it wasn't as if a grown man of his standing needed a babysitter all the time, much less two of them.

Inoue Orihime sat next to her, and briefly Urahara Kisuke and Shihoun Yoruichi arrived (at least, that's who Hinamori thought they were. She was still learning names, and she was still a little hungover) with boxes and bags of bottles and cans in tow.

"Shall we begin with our friend from the Real World?" Urahara asked kindly, looking around at the other half-dozen participants. Yoruichi sat on a box behind him with a bottle of something blue.

"Okay." said Inoue shyly, her face reddening. "I've never.... fought with a sword."

Everyone took a drink but her. Hinamori thought this might turn out to be a long game.


	3. Chapter 3

"I've never had a conversation with a cat."

* * *

Clearly, Hachigen wasn't paying too much attention to his barrier by day two, because Kon walked right through it mid-afternoon. He straightened his sunglasses and slipped in the back kitchen door, sneaking along the back wall and settling himself under a cabinet.

How dare they leave him! Ichigo couldn't just run off with his friends and leave Kon behind! _The nerve of that boy_, Kon thought. _He knows he needs his co-pilot! His comrade-in-arms! His partner!_ Besides, Kon didn't go to nearly enough parties. And Nee-san was here too, and Kon needed to be around to protect her from harm.

Kon jumped out of his cabinet and made a run for the hallway, but was caught up by Captain PhsychoKiller. The captain clutched Kon to his chest in a terrified way, and shortly they were hiding together under a table.

A woman with glasses and dark hair walked by and took a picture of them.

This wasn't going according to plan.

* * *

"I've never helped any ryoka break into Soul Society."

* * *

"Hey, Captain?"

"Matsumoto?"

"What's a disco stick?"

"I've been wondering that myself, actually. I don't think I know what a disco is, unless it's like a disk. In which case, why would it be in stick form?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's a stick that you hang disks on?"

"Well, maybe. But then how would one ride on it?"

"I'm gonna go ask Renji."

"Ok, good. Real world music is strange."

* * *

_It could_, he reflected as he tried to stop up his bleeding nose, _have been worse._ She could have kicked him in the crotch instead, and considering the damage she'd done to his face that wasn't something he wanted to think about. After some consideration, Shinji made a decision to never get drunk at the same time as Hiyori, ever, ever again. He located one of his teeth lying innocently on the carpet.

Also, he would never fall asleep with her in the same room ever, ever again.

* * *

"I've never gotten a tattoo. Especially not on my face."

* * *

Man, the music in here sure was loud and screamy. Yachiru hadn't seen Ken-chan in a few hours, but she knew he was around. There was enough destruction on the south side of the warehouse to prove it; no one else could wreck a kiddie-pool of marinara sauce like Ken-chan could.

"_Come on, get down with the sickness!"_ said the music. What sickness? Maybe the singers needed to see Captain Doctor. Sick people shouldn't sound all angry like that, they should be still and take it like a big boy. Then Captain Doctor might give them a lollipop. But hey, if they didn't want a lollipop that was their problem.

Yachiru hid the little bottle of liquor she'd stolen from Shiro-chan up her sleeve and slunk back toward the kitchens, where she expected to trade it for sweets.

* * *

"I've never been on death row."

* * *

"A tube..." Byakuya repeated slowly, "...of wasabi."

"Yes, Captain." said Renji, indicating the stitches on Rukia's face. Rukia, for her part, did not appear to be nearly as drunk as she actually was. Her dress was straight, her eyes were not glazed, and she held her balance well.

"Wasabi." Byakuya looked perplexed, or at least as perplexed as he ever did, which meant that to the untrained eye he looked no different than usual. Only Renji and Rukia, who knew him best, could tell that he was at all bothered by this turn of events.

"Yes, Nii-sama." Rukia bowed her head, "It was entirely my fault, and I offer my deepest apologies for shaming the Kuchiki House." She curtsied a little lower, and did not topple over.

There was a brief silence in which Byakuya blinked a few times and there was a small explosion from somewhere upstairs.

"Here, Captain." said Renji, "This will probably help you understand a little better." and he handed Byakuya a bottle of vodka.

* * *

"I've never slept in a 15 year old human boy's closet for three months."

* * *

Isane had never been to an event like this. Captain Kuchiki was here, Captain Ukitake was over there, even her own Captain Unohana was somewhere about, with her hair down and a drink in her hand. Madamare Ikkaku was teaching Hanataro how to drink shots. Ayasegawa was giving beauty tips to the Vizard girl with green hair. A stuffed lion was following Urahara around and yelling at him about "Nee-san" and "Valley of the Gods" and something about cheese.

After her discovery of Hisagi and a Vizard half naked together in a closet upstairs, Isane was sure that this party would only add fuel to her nightmares. Recently Aizen, Ichimaru, Tosen and bean paste had played a part in her awful recurring night terrors, and Captain Unohana had been kind enough to give her some tea for a dreamless sleep. Now that the threat to Soul Society had been eliminated and the whole ordeal was over, Isane was determined to rid herself of the dreams that had plagued her since childhood once and for all.

Isane took a drink of tequila and smiled. She suspected that this would work better than tea.

* * *

"Suck my ass, Renji."

* * *

"What do you mean, if somebody passes out you _get_ to shave their eyebrows off?"

"Well, that's what Iba said."

"Well it's not fucking funny!"

"It's funny to us!"

"It's fucking stupid! I am going to kick ALL OF YOUR ASSES!"

"You might want to untangle your shoelaces first."

" What the _fuck?"_

"Yeah, that was Captain Kyoraku's idea."

"And why the hell am I covered in stickers?"

"Well, why not?"

"When I get all this straightened out, you are so going down."

"Good luck getting your hand off that table, then. I think they make solvent for that stuff."

"GODDAMMIT!"

* * *

"I've never had my ass kicked by said 15 year old human boy."

* * *

Having spent the last few hours berating herself and sobbing like a little bitch over the fact that she couldn't remember most of what had happened the night before, then demanding angrily that Hacchigen let her leave to no avail, Soi Fon got herself together and allowed Yoruichi to persuade her to have another glass of wine, "to take the edge off." she said. Currently they sat at a round table across from Abarai Renji, who was nearly falling out of his seat with laughter at a story about how Yoruichi had once taught a young Captain Princess how to skip rope. Granted, the mental image of the uptight man with a jump-rope was pretty amusing, but it wasn't as funny as Abarai thought it was. He must have been very drunk.

Iba was next up in the ridiculous game they were playing. He said something about never having used fruit for anything other than its intended purpose. This lead Ayasegawa to drink his shot daintily, and then to speculate what the _intended_ purpose of fruit actually was, considering that, when you get right down to it, fruit is just a plant ovary. The word "ovary" when spoken aloud got giggles out of every man around the table except Ayasegawa, who sighed dramatically, and Hitsugaya, who simply groaned and lit a cigarette. Ikkaku then pointed out that Hitsugaya was too young to understand, and that he was probably going to turn out gay anyway. Hitsugaya responded that if anyone was going to turn gay, it would be Ikkaku himself, since he spent so much time hanging around that fruitcake Ayasegawa. (Soi Fon privately agreed, but said nothing.) This turned the conversation back to fruit.

_I am surrounded,_ Soi Fon realized, _by imbeciles. How does the Gotei 13 even function with these sorts of people in such high ranking positions? _Thinking about it made her head hurt, so she stopped. Oh, well. At least there was Hacchi's end of their little bargain to be looked forward too. Urahara would never know what hit him.

Soi Fon smiled.

* * *

"Fuck you, Rukia."

* * *

"Hey Renji."

"Yo, Rangiku."

"What's a disco stick?"

"Ummm. I don't know."

"Damn."

"Well, when I was in the real world years ago, disco was a kind of dance."

"So... a dancing stick?"

"Maybe. Why don't we go ask Ichigo? He lives here and stuff."

"Good idea."

* * *

"I've never slept with anyone of the opposite sex."

* * *

Kon finally found Ichigo in a heated but uncomfortable looking kiss with Rukia in a computer lab upstairs. Nee-san's stitched-up chin was bleeding all over their faces, but it didn't seem to bother either of them. Kon considered interrupting them, but thought he would probably get the stuffing kicked out of him (literally!) if he did, so he snuck back out and caught sight of an unconscious Ishida, whose hair was matted down and stuck to his face with what appeared to be... marinara sauce?

Oh bother.

* * *

"I've never slept with anyone of the same sex."

* * *

Rose had retreated to his room to avoid the noise, and was now tuning his guitar just out of habit. He tightened another string and plucked it, staring down at the face of the digital tuner laying on the bed.

CRASH!

The door of Rose's room caved in with a bang and a crack, and in tumbled Love, who was tied up with part of an extension cord and being beaten across the head with a stick of pepperoni by Hiyori and sprayed with a bottle of soda water by Kensei. All three were covered in something red and tasty-smelling.

Pressing his lips together impatiently, Rose turned the amp's volume up all the way, and plucked a string.

The flat E reverberated throughout the warehouse, and all the noise from downstairs stopped for a second except for the voice of Axl Rose, who was currently knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door.

Kensei and Hiyori, eyes round and ears bleeding, backed slowly out of the room, Hiyori dragging Love along by his ankle.

Rose sighed, turned the volume back down, and resumed tuning the guitar.

* * *

"I've never been shot out of a cannon intended for fireworks."

* * *

"What do you mean, it's a penis?"

"It's a euphemism for sex. Period. It doesn't mean anything else."

"Thats... but then..."

"What?"

"I can't say 'penis' in front of Captain Hitsugaya!"

"You're right, Toshiro won't appreciate it. Just don't tell him."

"But finding out was my mission! I can't just pretend to have failed!"

"Sorry. It's a penis."

"Well, shit."

* * *

"I've never played this game before."

* * *

After getting a few good pictures of Shinji's poor damn face before Inoue fixed it, Lisa took a walk and discovered Ichigo and that Kuchiki girl making out in Hacchi's computer lab. Click, click. They didn't notice her. Well, if what Yoruichi said was true the boy was a virgin and terribly shy. Perhaps Kuchiki planned to rectify that.

Two doors down, Mashiro was beating the hell out of a dark-haired guy with a familiar 69 tattooed on his face. Click, flash. They did notice, but Mashiro wasn't really one to care. She yanked the guy's arms behind his back, sat across his shoulders, and demanded that he admit to being her bitch. Mashiro's own 69 tattoo was exposed by her low-backed top, right between her shoulder blades. Lisa took another picture, then moved on.

On a bench in the next room, Ukitake and Kyoraku were curled up asleep together. Lisa remembered how fond they were of one another, and recalled with a smile how Kaien had once commented on how cute it was that they thought their Lieutenants didn't know. She took a couple of shots, then shook them awake so nobody else would see them. She did have a merciful side, after all.

* * *

"I've never been attacked by a water fountain."

* * *

It had been a pretty good party, as parties went. And in the thousand or so years that Unohana Retsu had lived, she had seen some pretty damn good parties. This one would probably be talked about for generations. It was particularly nice to see so many nostalgic faces here, and to know that they had been around, and would still be around in the future. She remembered the memorial service for the eight fallen Shinigami with a twist in her stomach; that had been a sad day. Not only had so many friends and comrades fallen mysteriously, or so it seemed, but the Gotei 13 had suffered a devastating loss such as hadn't been seen in any of their lifetimes: eight captains and lieutenants presumed dead, two exiled and one disappeared without a trace. Eleven people gone, leaving the rest behind in a confused, tragic sort of chaos. She'd seen a lot of stoic, hardened people cry that day who hadn't shed a tear in the worst of circumstances before or since.

Retsu gathered her thoughts and rounded a corner in search of a glass of water and almost ran into her lieutenant, who was stumbling along, holding a bloody towel to her forehead.

"Isane! What happened to you?" she exclaimed, taking the tall girl by the arm.

"Well, you see, Captain," Isane began cautiously, "There was this tube of wasabi..."


End file.
